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AND YOU THINK YOU KNOW EM |
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Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attraction of others. Oscar Wilde |
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:.:Wednesday, February 04, 2004:.: oh aiyah. how i know we can be as vulgar as you! tamade.... ok ok never mind. i just heard another story. about banglahs. this singaporean chap was driving on the roads back home. going about 90 on a 60 road. so he's driving driving lah lah lah, and suddenly a banglah plonked out of the tree. the guy landed smack in front of him and he of course, couldn't brake in time and rammed the poor bastard. so one banglah pancake and a hearing later, the driver was sentenced to murder III. he's now serving time. he'll never drive again. what the hell.....
:.:Tuesday, February 03, 2004:.: oh oh oh, and here's another one for the road! many ppl have heard of this story, but i have just confirmed withe the canadian medical journal that it's true! so now, we start with a young feisty canadian woman, who gets off on lobsters. how? by inserting it tail-first. and agitating it by placing a flame in front of it. eew gross.... anyways she does this on several occassions. until one day, she encounters that faithful lobster whose previous meal was a bunch of little prawns. so we all know the saying 'shit-scared'? good. this lobster was shit scared when it saw the flame, so it crapped itself. in a very strategic place. and so, she gets off, the lobster is disposed of. but she dies. again of internal haemorrhaging. sounds familiar? i'm not one to preach, but hey some things are just wrong; this is definitely one of them. why you ask? well, her post mortem revealed something her otherwise healthy appearance at death concealed; her inerts were chewed up by hatched prawns... wonder where those came from?
hello again folks!
:.:Sunday, January 25, 2004:.: i suppose it's kinda expected to have your hearing, eyesight and speech coordination to fade with age.... probably another reason why i will always double check on mother's spelling when she handles my prescriptions in future. when i was in primary 5, i got hit with this horrible strain of cihcken pox that left be bed ridden and completely itchy and uncomfortable for 3 weeks. so the loving lass asks around for any traditional remedies as the calamine lotion gradually lost its potency against the itching. my aunt suggests that she go to a temple at north bridge road and ask the priest for the karupele leaf (this is what she thinks is the correct pronunciation; we'll never know ;>) as it has anti-histamine properties. so, she goes to the indian temple and approaches the priest. she asks "mama can i have a mapele?" now first mistake; mama is reserved for the pratha shop southern indian pratha propriertors. second mistake; a mapele is a bridegroom in tamil. so, needless to say the priest was mystified. he is of course approached very often for astrological matches and such, but this was too weird for him. "ah, a bit fast lah you ask. these things take time." "why? it's just a mapele??" "err... why do you want a mapele?" "for my daughter, she is sick with chicken pox." "oh. but uhh.... no lah, i cannot give you one now?" "why cannot? isn't it there?" *points to a tree in the otherwise empty court yard* "huh? what are you talking about?" "isn't that the mapele?" "uh no." "why are you so selfish!! my daughter is so itchy at home!" "WHAT? ITCHY?" *he is mortified as most asians understand itchy to be horny as well... in a word or two... hehehhe* "yes that's why i'm here to get the leaf and make her itch less!" "itchy???? oh for the chicken pox da?" "YES!!!" "madam it's not mapele da. it's karupele leaf. mapele is bridegroom!!" "oh no!!! i don't want a bridegroom!" "hahah i get you one now" *mumbles to himself* always always always check if your mom hears you right.... especially if it's in tamil.
:.:Sunday, January 18, 2004:.: ok just got reminded of another nipple story..... thanks er... bro... you know who you are. this one i can't mention names because this would be considered very bastard pattern...
:.:Saturday, January 17, 2004:.: don't mess with nipples..... it could be very very dangerous... and very very funny.
:.:Thursday, January 15, 2004:.: as if we need yet another ghost story, but this is particularly funny since a prank was involved. our friends (well yes who is part of the our apart from me.... time will tell) chen how and guo wei were walking to our apartment. this involves walking by a canal next to st. patricks (oh ghouls galore). chen how was smsing his friend john and guo wei was stoning i assume, coz he didn't seem to notice anything unusual at that point. so chen how walks by an indian lady, who had been walking ahead of them for some time, and once he had completely passed her she started to talk to him. "you going home ah?" chen how replies, "ah.... yah yah.. going home." "where you stay ah?" "errr.... ocean park lah. there ah." (liar liar pants on fire) "don't bluff lah. you don't stay there one" (karma) *silence* guo wei was like wtf?? and turned behind to see whom chen how had befriended at 11 pm on a footpath near the canal. guo wei turns pale because, well... she had no legs. and it was a kinda unexpected feature as she appeared to be walking normally... with a humanish gait and there was head bobbing as the weight was transferred (well nobody expected her to be legless then) from left to right foot. so guo wei speeds off, and chen how continues to speak with her. he didn't notice the legs or rather lack of, since he was still smsg john. "going to your friend's house ah?" "yah yah going my friend's house" "don't bluff, so late where can go your friend's house?" chen how was like ok wtv... and guo wei was *surprisingly* way way ahead of chen how. the indian woman was last seen looking over the canal. guo weir told chen how that she was a ghost, chen how turned pale, and we imagine both idiots bolted to our house. so then i emerge from the room after a shower, and see both boys sitting on the floor in front of the tv. "can i tell you a story? can? can?" "oh wow yay! stories! tell me tell me!!" (there is a reason why i get excited when chen how tells me a story... it's always funny he he he) and the story was related. i was like whoa for a while then i turned to the love of my life uzi and say "let's do it" he looks at me funny and i realise how suggestive that comment was. "bring the pda lah! and we'll do it now" "no lah... i don wan" "yes lah I wan!!!" "what now? are you sure?" "yes! now is the time!!" he leaves the room and chen how calls john and friend plays need for speed. uzi slithers onto a floor mat at the back of the room and programmes the tv to swith from av mode to mtv. at that moment both boys froze and looked at all present for reassurance? but no one had the remote, and both knew that. so they piss bolted to the end of the room. chen how was heard saying "eh wait wait wait relax relax relax wah wah what's happening? what happen?" both were how to say, "balls drop" scared but we have to hand it to chen hao lah.... he spotted the pda on the floor and immedeately shouted, "wah nabu cibai!!!!" ha ha ha.
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